Lewis Black quotes - page 6

It took forever for me to get work because I was a political comic, and now it's become good business, and God knows how long that'll last. You have to do it night after night after night to kind of make it. I still find myself on 'Piers Morgan' or on some show and I think, 'I hope this is funny.' (Lewis Black)
Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny. View quote
Lewis Black
I continue to work on plays, but I've always felt that you could put a note in a bottle and send it offshore, and you'd have as much chance communicating with people. View quote
Lewis Black
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat. View quote
Lewis Black
I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. View quote
Lewis Black
I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track. View quote
Lewis Black
Political audiences are not fun. View quote
Lewis Black
Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share. View quote
Lewis Black
I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck, so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it. View quote
Lewis Black
Everybody's family has different values. View quote
Lewis Black
I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been. (Lewis Black)
I love Wisconsin, I love coming here. I've performed here a lot because I've discovered that you people apparently have some sort of federal grant for drinking. [audience cheers] It's–you're insane! You pay less for liquor than anybody I know anywhere in the country. Nobody pays any less for liquor than you. What're you–what're you–HOW?! I don't know if you're using that farm subsidy money, or if you're just hijacking liquor trucks, but this is fucking insane. [audience member shouts something] Is it volume? It's unbe–fucking–lievable, it's staggering! I come here because basically if I spend four days here drinking, and even with the plane ticket, it's cheaper than drinking in New York. How do you know when it's New Year's? That's the big mystery to me. What's the difference? I've been in bars here and it's like New Year's every fucking night! "Uh, New Year's, that's when we–we drink with hats on." View quote
Lewis Black
It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was fucking wrong, wasn't I? You see, because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN! View quote
Lewis Black
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar. View quote
Lewis Black
Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?' View quote
Lewis Black
I am angry that the Democrats don't have the ability to explain to Republicans that we should be able to feed people in this country, and that is not socialism. View quote
Lewis Black
Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that. View quote
Lewis Black
I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on. View quote
Lewis Black
When a country wants television more than they want clean water, they've lost their grip. View quote
Lewis Black
If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?' View quote
Lewis Black
All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew. (Lewis Black)
A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!' View quote
Lewis Black
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single. View quote
Lewis Black
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan. View quote
Lewis Black
It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity. View quote
Lewis Black