Lewis Black quotes - page 5

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not. (Lewis Black)
When we anticipate, we're the happiest. Unless you're on antidepressants. The reason you take antidepressants is because you can't anticipate. You think everything's going to be horrible, so it usually is. View quote
Lewis Black
Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular. View quote
Lewis Black
My parents are the last of the middle class. My father worked for the government designing sea mines. My mother was a substitute teacher. Together, they worked really only until they were sixty. View quote
Lewis Black
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas. View quote
Lewis Black
And I know this happens because I took economics, and I'd explain it to ya, but I flunked that course. Not my fault. They taught it at 8 o'clock in the morning. And there is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bloodshot eye. View quote
Lewis Black
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. View quote
Lewis Black
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. View quote
Lewis Black
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out. View quote
Lewis Black
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve. View quote
Lewis Black
I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation. (Lewis Black)
I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked. View quote
Lewis Black
Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. View quote
Lewis Black
The thing that makes my generation The Greatest is our ability to hang out. We're spectacular at it. If you take somebody from my generation and sit them on a couch and bring them food and plumbing, they'll sit there and talk to you about anything you want until the day you die. View quote
Lewis Black
The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It's unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911. And so, since nobody eats that stuff, every year there's a ton of it left over. View quote
Lewis Black
If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist. View quote
Lewis Black
Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun. View quote
Lewis Black
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now. View quote
Lewis Black
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work. View quote
Lewis Black
Democrats should be focused on which way we can help the most people in this country, and Republicans should be focused on how to do that in the most fiscally responsible manner possible. View quote
Lewis Black
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them. (Lewis Black)
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that. View quote
Lewis Black
Usually I'm too tired to apologize. View quote
Lewis Black
When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.' View quote
Lewis Black
The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really? View quote
Lewis Black