Milton Berle quotes

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. (Milton Berle)
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Milton Berle
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison-if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle
I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.
Milton Berle
Laughter is an instant vacation.
Milton Berle
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Milton Berle
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.
Milton Berle
All I can say is at 82, if I had it to live over again, I'd live it the same, sweet - or not so sweet - way. At 82, I feel like a 20-year-old. But unfortunately, there's never one around.
Milton Berle
You don't need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation. (Milton Berle)
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
Milton Berle
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Milton Berle
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Milton Berle
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.
Milton Berle
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
Milton Berle
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Milton Berle
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
Milton Berle
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now! (Milton Berle)
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Milton Berle
Fulton J. Sheen, October 13, 1973, addressing a banquet commemorating Berle's 60th year in show business; as quoted in Milton Berle: An Autobiography (1974)
Milton Berle