Bill Bailey quotes

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship. (Bill Bailey)
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!" View quote
Bill Bailey
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish. View quote
Bill Bailey
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious! View quote
Bill Bailey
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door. View quote
Bill Bailey
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard. View quote
Bill Bailey
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all. View quote
Bill Bailey
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig. View quote
Bill Bailey
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish. View quote
Bill Bailey
Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it. View quote
Bill Bailey
Thank God for Darwin, eh? (Bill Bailey)
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder. View quote
Bill Bailey
Nostalgia: How long's that been around? View quote
Bill Bailey
Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to. View quote
Bill Bailey
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine. View quote
Bill Bailey
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. View quote
Bill Bailey
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? View quote
Bill Bailey
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished. View quote
Bill Bailey
I am a confectionery-based existentialist. View quote
Bill Bailey
This shed does not contain me. View quote
Bill Bailey
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp. (Bill Bailey)
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. View quote
Bill Bailey
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still. View quote
Bill Bailey
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. View quote
Bill Bailey
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!" View quote
Bill Bailey