Dave Attell quotes

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape. (Dave Attell)
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!" View quote
Dave Attell
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. View quote
Dave Attell
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. View quote
Dave Attell
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. View quote
Dave Attell
Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid. View quote
Dave Attell
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! View quote
Dave Attell
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. View quote
Dave Attell
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story. View quote
Dave Attell
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. View quote
Dave Attell
I used to do drugs, but that was way back there. (Dave Attell)
You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants. View quote
Dave Attell
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away. View quote
Dave Attell
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter. View quote
Dave Attell
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing. View quote
Dave Attell
You gotta make your own fun (Audience member cheers). That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about. View quote
Dave Attell
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school! View quote
Dave Attell
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike. View quote
Dave Attell
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on. View quote
Dave Attell
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin. View quote
Dave Attell
Stand-up comedy is the most relaxing thing I do. If I want to unwind and de-stress, I go out and do stand-up, often several shows in a night. (Dave Attell)
Math and reading are my only weaknesses - other than that, I'm perfect. View quote
Dave Attell
I do uphill skiing; I don't do downhill skiing. I think that's for nerd amateurs. View quote
Dave Attell
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, I guess 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. View quote
Dave Attell
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. View quote
Dave Attell