Noel Fielding quotes

I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions. (Noel Fielding)

I think I should be in a [Disney animated] film called ‘Space Shrews'. Where I go to space. With a load of shrews. And nothing really happens. We just get out and have a lolly and then come back. But it'll be a musical [...] the ship will be built out of my own hair.

Noel Fielding

You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.

Noel Fielding

I don't think I'd have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago [...] I'd have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land [...] With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.

Noel Fielding

I've always had my suspicions about moss.

Noel Fielding

I used to suck [Smarties] until they were all white, let them dry, and then put them back in the packet and show my mum the Smarties with no colour on them.

Noel Fielding

[When asked if he varies the animals in his comedy depending on where he performs].

Noel Fielding

[When asked if he has a favorite woodland creature].

Noel Fielding

[When asked if he would advocate stalking one's favourite comedian in the hope that one gets to form an award-winning double-act with them and become world famous].

Noel Fielding

[When asked if he used to go onstage dressed as Jesus with a watercolour beard].

Noel Fielding

In Edinburgh? I quite like the City Cafe. Because you never get served in there. And I like the idea that you can go in there for three hours and still not get your order. I think that's quite funny. And then when you say ‘Can I have some food - I'm wasting away,' they have the audacity to tut at you. When there's only four of you in there. Fuckers. They should all be shot in the face. Sorry. I'm only joking. And I'm really tired. (Noel Fielding)

I had a garter snake named Clayton.

Noel Fielding

[When asked if he sees the future with people wearing shirts with his face on it].

Noel Fielding

[When asked if he could think of a cure for a dog who eats soil].

Noel Fielding

[When suggested he could have invented crisps] I couldn't have invented crisps. [...] I don't really want to be known as the man who invented crisps. [...] I invented apples. [...] I invented pandas, and caps. I invented soil.

Noel Fielding

Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them.

Noel Fielding

When I was a really young child, I felt like I could see fairies. I was convinced there were fairies in my grandmother's garden.

Noel Fielding

My mum and dad are both really funny. My granddad's really funny, my uncle's really funny, everyone's really funny. You have to be quick, otherwise you get roasted. Everyone takes the piss quite a lot. You have to be really sharp.

Noel Fielding

When you're a kid and someone's an artist, you think of Leonardo da Vinci. You don't think that's a job; you just think of a man with a beard painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

Noel Fielding

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big.

Noel Fielding