Ambrose Bierce quotes - page 8

WHITE, adj. and n. Black. (Ambrose Bierce)
HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. View quote
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DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This my dictionary, however, is a most useful work. View quote
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SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. View quote
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ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws. View quote
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CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. View quote
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Mark how my fame rings out from zone to zone: A thousand critics shouting: "He's unknown!" View quote
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Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. View quote
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Gallows, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. View quote
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Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. View quote
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. (Ambrose Bierce)
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. View quote
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Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white. View quote
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CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. View quote
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Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. View quote
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A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. View quote
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Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. View quote
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Doubt is the father of invention. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
LAWSUIT, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. (Ambrose Bierce)
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver. View quote
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Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. View quote
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Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. View quote
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Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery. View quote
Ambrose Bierce