Ambrose Bierce quotes - page 28

MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn. (Ambrose Bierce)
APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. View quote
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AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. View quote
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DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. View quote
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PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who was not permitted to sing psalms through his nose in Europe, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. View quote
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ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. View quote
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STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. View quote
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R. I. P. A careless abbreviation of 'requiescat in pace', attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than 'reductus in pulvis'. View quote
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Academy A modern school where football is taught. View quote
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EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. View quote
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FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. (Ambrose Bierce)
HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that. View quote
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SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. View quote
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LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. View quote
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One thing, however, I hope I may without offense affirm of these swamp-dwellers--they were pious. To what deity their veneration was given--whether, like the Egyptians, they worshiped the crocodile, or, like other Americans, adored themselves, I do not presume to guess. View quote
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Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt. View quote
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The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up. View quote
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We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. View quote
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The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge. View quote
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ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination ... View quote
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OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer ... (Ambrose Bierce)
HEART, n. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments .... It is now known that sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. View quote
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PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians who are Hogmies. View quote
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DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. View quote
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HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. View quote
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