Ambrose Bierce quotes - page 21

PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. (Ambrose Bierce)
AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. View quote
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EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. View quote
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CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the entrance against whom or what does not clearly appear everybody, sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the entrance. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. View quote
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EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state. View quote
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EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. (Ambrose Bierce)
NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian ... handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. (Ambrose Bierce)
COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme.... not be confused with that of foreordination. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. View quote
Ambrose Bierce
WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to exalted characters and momentous occasions as, 'the wrath of God,' 'the day of wrath,' etc.... View quote
Ambrose Bierce