W. C. Fields quotes - page 4

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. (W. C. Fields)
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two. View quote
W. C. Fields
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? View quote
W. C. Fields
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together! View quote
W. C. Fields
It is funnier to bend things than to break them. View quote
W. C. Fields
I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything. View quote
W. C. Fields
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. View quote
W. C. Fields
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks. View quote
W. C. Fields
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself. View quote
W. C. Fields
I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months. View quote
W. C. Fields
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.) (W. C. Fields)
I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve. View quote
W. C. Fields
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies. View quote
W. C. Fields
Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol. View quote
W. C. Fields
It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. View quote
W. C. Fields
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. View quote
W. C. Fields
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained. View quote
W. C. Fields
I have been asked if I ever get the DTs I don't know it's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. View quote
W. C. Fields
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes. View quote
W. C. Fields
Happiness means quiet nerves. View quote
W. C. Fields
The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water. (W. C. Fields)
I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside. View quote
W. C. Fields
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it. View quote
W. C. Fields
The best thing to break is a contract. View quote
W. C. Fields
After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse. View quote
W. C. Fields