W. C. Fields quotes - page 2

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming. (W. C. Fields)
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. View quote
W. C. Fields
I'd rather have two girls at twenty-one each, than one girl at forty-two. View quote
W. C. Fields
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here. View quote
W. C. Fields
There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it. View quote
W. C. Fields
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. View quote
W. C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. View quote
W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil. View quote
W. C. Fields
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. View quote
W. C. Fields
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live. View quote
W. C. Fields
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. (W. C. Fields)
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. View quote
W. C. Fields
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive. View quote
W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it. View quote
W. C. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm so indebted to her for. View quote
W. C. Fields
If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind. View quote
W. C. Fields
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it. View quote
W. C. Fields
Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again. View quote
W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart. View quote
W. C. Fields
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got. View quote
W. C. Fields
Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. (W. C. Fields)
I drink therefore I am. View quote
W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one. View quote
W. C. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath. View quote
W. C. Fields
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women. View quote
W. C. Fields