Jon Stewart quotes

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. View quote
Jon Stewart
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it. View quote
Jon Stewart
President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK. View quote
Jon Stewart
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. View quote
Jon Stewart
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. View quote
Jon Stewart
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something." View quote
Jon Stewart
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core. View quote
Jon Stewart
We look at-the absurdity of the system provides us the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both, because it's been helpful. View quote
Jon Stewart
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on. View quote
Jon Stewart
What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "'sup?" (Jon Stewart)
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may. View quote
Jon Stewart
Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. View quote
Jon Stewart
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. View quote
Jon Stewart
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. View quote
Jon Stewart
If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? View quote
Jon Stewart
Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die. View quote
Jon Stewart
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard. View quote
Jon Stewart
We hear every damn day about how fragile our country is - on the brink of catastrophe - torn by polarizing hate and how it's a shame that we can't work together to get things done, but the truth is we do. We work together to get things done every damn day! View quote
Jon Stewart
This show is our own personal beliefs. View quote
Jon Stewart
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor. (Jon Stewart)
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair. View quote
Jon Stewart
My life [is] a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh. View quote
Jon Stewart
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. View quote
Jon Stewart
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. View quote
Jon Stewart