Joan Rivers quotes

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. (Joan Rivers)
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. View quote
Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes-and six months later you have to start all over again. View quote
Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. View quote
Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. View quote
Joan Rivers
People say money is not the key to happiness, but I've always figured if you have enough money you can get a key made. View quote
Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. View quote
Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. View quote
Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. View quote
Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy. View quote
Joan Rivers
Never floss with a stranger. (Joan Rivers)
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash. View quote
Joan Rivers
Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer. View quote
Joan Rivers
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware. View quote
Joan Rivers
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep. View quote
Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor. View quote
Joan Rivers
Looking fifty is great-if you're sixty. View quote
Joan Rivers
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. View quote
Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. View quote
Joan Rivers
You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. View quote
Joan Rivers
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir." (Joan Rivers)
It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up. View quote
Joan Rivers
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven. View quote
Joan Rivers
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly-hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear. View quote
Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. View quote
Joan Rivers