Tom Lehrer quotes

Life is like a sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. (Tom Lehrer)
Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I'm not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn't figure out what sort of song I would write. That's the problem: I don't want to satirise George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporise them. ... And that's not funny. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Irreverence is easy, but what is hard is wit. View quote
Tom Lehrer
But don't panic. Base eight is just like base ten really - if you're missing two fingers. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. View quote
Tom Lehrer
People are stupider than anybody. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics And the Catholics hate the Protestants, And the Hindus hate the Moslems, And everybody hates the Jews. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up. View quote
Tom Lehrer
The real issues I don't think most people touch. The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn't ban landmines. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I find enough mystery in mathematics to satisfy my spiritual needs. I think, for example, that pi is mysterious enough (don't get me started!) without having to worry about God. Or if pi isn't enough, how about fractals? or quantum mechanics? (Tom Lehrer)
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, Unless you get a good percentage of her price. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I recall this sergeant's informing me and my "room-mates" of this rather deplorable fact the army didn't have any official, excuse me, didn't have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time. View quote
Tom Lehrer
"Life is like a sewer - what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." It's always seemed to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic, positive thinking that we so desperately need today in these trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks, And the rich folks hate the poor folks. All of my folks hate all of your folks, It's American as apple pie. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can't stand, You can tolerate him if you try! View quote
Tom Lehrer
Get in line in that processional, Step into that small confessional. There the guy who's got religion'll Tell you if your sin's original. If it is, try playin' it safer, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, Two, four, six, eight, Time to transubstantiate! View quote
Tom Lehrer
Andrew Wiles gently smiles, Does his thing, and voila! Q. E. D., we agree, And we all shout hurrah! As he confirms what Fermat Jotted down in that margin, Which could've used some enlargin. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I'd like to take you now, on wings of song as it were, and try and help you forget for a while your drab, wretched lives. View quote
Tom Lehrer
So get down upon your knees, Fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect, And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! View quote
Tom Lehrer
Take your cigarette from its holder, And burn your initials in my shoulder. Fracture my spine, And swear that you're mine, As we dance to the Masochism Tango. (Tom Lehrer)
I feel that if any songs are gonna come out of World War III, we'd better start writing them now. View quote
Tom Lehrer
The loveliest girl in Vienna Was Alma, the smartest as well. Once you picked her up on your antenna, You'd never be free of her spell. View quote
Tom Lehrer
Don't say that he's hypocritical, Say rather that he's apolitical. "Once the rockets are up, who cares where they come down? That's not my department," says Wernher von Braun. View quote
Tom Lehrer
I am never forget the day I first meet the great Lobachevsky. In one word he told me secret of success in mathematics: Plagiarize! Plagiarize, Let no one else's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, So don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize... Only be sure always to call it please "research." View quote
Tom Lehrer