Jay Leno quotes - page 2

How many watched the President's speech last night? [half-hearted audience applause] How many watched American Idol? [thundering applause] Okay, there you go! You get the government you deserve. (Jay Leno)
Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed. View quote
Jay Leno
"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record. View quote
Jay Leno
And some sad news... the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities. View quote
Jay Leno
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. View quote
Jay Leno
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after France's best player got ejected for head butting. That's the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years. View quote
Jay Leno
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it. View quote
Jay Leno
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day. View quote
Jay Leno
The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up. View quote
Jay Leno
The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets. View quote
Jay Leno
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. (Jay Leno)
How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak? View quote
Jay Leno
Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution. View quote
Jay Leno
There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole pie, but to keep the biggest slice. View quote
Jay Leno
[about the Chicago Cubs being swept by the L. A. Dodgers in the 2008 NLDS]: How about next year, we only let the Cubs play using steroids? View quote
Jay Leno
Fred, what happened to your ass? View quote
Jay Leno
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. View quote
Jay Leno
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology. View quote
Jay Leno
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza! View quote
Jay Leno
Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner. View quote
Jay Leno
My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic? (Jay Leno)
I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder. View quote
Jay Leno
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it. View quote
Jay Leno
Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors. View quote
Jay Leno
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up. View quote
Jay Leno