Jay Leno quotes

Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, extortion day. (Jay Leno)
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly. View quote
Jay Leno
Folks, tomorrow America will get to hear those four words we've been waiting for: "Former president George Bush." View quote
Jay Leno
106 [degrees] in the valley... I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents. View quote
Jay Leno
So China's president [Hu Jintao] meets, uh- meets America's president. It's like President "Who?" meeting President "Huh?". View quote
Jay Leno
Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances. View quote
Jay Leno
Politics is just show business for ugly people. View quote
Jay Leno
The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular. View quote
Jay Leno
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. [...] At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time. View quote
Jay Leno
Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it. View quote
Jay Leno
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh... it's as simple as that. (Jay Leno)
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking. View quote
Jay Leno
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.' View quote
Jay Leno
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference. View quote
Jay Leno
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously. View quote
Jay Leno
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? View quote
Jay Leno
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. View quote
Jay Leno
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. View quote
Jay Leno
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. View quote
Jay Leno
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation... View quote
Jay Leno
The economy is so bad, I saw Matthew McConaughey talking to himself in a Kia! THAT'S how bad it is! (Jay Leno)
Hillary says she has been tested. Well, I hope so. You never know what Bill might bring home. View quote
Jay Leno
How many of you watched the vice presidential debate expecting Sarah Palin to screw up? Be honest. [cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the debate expecting Joe Biden to screw up? [more cheers and applause] : And how many of you watched the baseball game knowing the Cubs would screw up? View quote
Jay Leno
No, they said they do not believe in evolution, then they said the biggest threat to America: religious radicals living in the Dark Ages. View quote
Jay Leno
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' View quote
Jay Leno