Billy Connolly quotes

Don't vote, it just encourages them. (Billy Connolly)
The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things... after the weather. View quote
Billy Connolly
People die all the time. It's just that you're not around. View quote
Billy Connolly
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket." View quote
Billy Connolly
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. View quote
Billy Connolly
There's nothing better than a fight, especially when you're watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he's a big Jessie! View quote
Billy Connolly
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter. View quote
Billy Connolly
Politically correct is the language of cowardice. View quote
Billy Connolly
I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there. View quote
Billy Connolly
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace. View quote
Billy Connolly
I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. (Billy Connolly)
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. View quote
Billy Connolly
I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days. View quote
Billy Connolly
I leave you with a complaint. Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that... well, it's because the national anthem is boring. View quote
Billy Connolly
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. View quote
Billy Connolly
The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards. View quote
Billy Connolly
Marriage is a wonderful invention. But then again, so is the bicycle repair kit. View quote
Billy Connolly
I came here on Concorde today... and I arrived before I fucking left! View quote
Billy Connolly
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time and you'll have the time of your life. View quote
Billy Connolly
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What?! You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too." View quote
Billy Connolly
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on. (Billy Connolly)
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. View quote
Billy Connolly
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. View quote
Billy Connolly
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name? View quote
Billy Connolly
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered. View quote
Billy Connolly