George Carlin quotes - page 9

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. (George Carlin)
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. View quote
George Carlin
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was. View quote
George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war? View quote
George Carlin
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It's because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time. View quote
George Carlin
What wine goes with Captain Crunch? View quote
George Carlin
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me. View quote
George Carlin
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. View quote
George Carlin
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? View quote
George Carlin
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. View quote
George Carlin
She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across. (George Carlin)
Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. View quote
George Carlin
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. View quote
George Carlin
Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? View quote
George Carlin
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason. View quote
George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. View quote
George Carlin
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting! View quote
George Carlin
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. View quote
George Carlin
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. View quote
George Carlin
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. View quote
George Carlin
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (George Carlin)
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. View quote
George Carlin
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed. View quote
George Carlin
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet. View quote
George Carlin
Life is tough, then you die. View quote
George Carlin