George Carlin quotes - page 6

Pardon me I've got nothing to say. (George Carlin)
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi. View quote
George Carlin
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. View quote
George Carlin
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family. View quote
George Carlin
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? View quote
George Carlin
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. View quote
George Carlin
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body. View quote
George Carlin
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better. View quote
George Carlin
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore. View quote
George Carlin
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. View quote
George Carlin
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them. (George Carlin)
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush. View quote
George Carlin
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie. View quote
George Carlin
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done. View quote
George Carlin
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it. View quote
George Carlin
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into. View quote
George Carlin
I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. View quote
George Carlin
I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. View quote
George Carlin
What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job! View quote
George Carlin
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes. View quote
George Carlin
You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. (George Carlin)
The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. View quote
George Carlin
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? View quote
George Carlin
The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them - and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on the stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures. View quote
George Carlin
But let's say it's true; let's say God gave us these rights. Why would he give us a certain number of rights? The Bill of Rights of this country has ten stipulations, okay? Ten rights. And apparently God was doing sloppy work that week because we've had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times. So God forgot a couple of things. Like...SLAVERY! Just fuckin' slipped his mind. View quote
George Carlin