George Carlin quotes - page 5

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles. (George Carlin)
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. View quote
George Carlin
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars. View quote
George Carlin
An art thief is a man who takes pictures. View quote
George Carlin
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. View quote
George Carlin
The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains. View quote
George Carlin
And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste. View quote
George Carlin
Meow means "woof" in cat. View quote
George Carlin
They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it. View quote
George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. View quote
George Carlin
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him. (George Carlin)
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me. View quote
George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor. View quote
George Carlin
Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day. View quote
George Carlin
Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms. View quote
George Carlin
I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow. View quote
George Carlin
Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs and fuck your grandmother." Well he was an honest guy ya know, he wasn't gonna bullshit a 4-year-old. View quote
George Carlin
The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers...but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice! View quote
George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. View quote
George Carlin
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first. View quote
George Carlin
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea. (George Carlin)
I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well. View quote
George Carlin
You know how I describe the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pay none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there... just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em showing up at those jobs. View quote
George Carlin
The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument. View quote
George Carlin
There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you. View quote
George Carlin