George Carlin quotes - page 3

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. (George Carlin)
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false. View quote
George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. View quote
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. View quote
George Carlin
Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense! View quote
George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. View quote
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that. View quote
George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work. View quote
George Carlin
Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic. View quote
George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. View quote
George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? (George Carlin)
Religion is just mind control. View quote
George Carlin
The status quo sucks. View quote
George Carlin
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it. View quote
George Carlin
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. View quote
George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. View quote
George Carlin
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you. View quote
George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. View quote
George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it. View quote
George Carlin
I gave up on this stuff. I gave up on my species and ... I gave up on my countrymen. Because I think we squandered great gifts. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain ... We grew. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God ... We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit ... Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. That kind of shit is very limiting for this brain we have. So we keep ourselves limited. And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us... And all that shit is nothing! It's nothing. View quote
George Carlin
I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. (George Carlin)
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. View quote
George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. View quote
George Carlin
It's never just a game when you're winning. View quote
George Carlin
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain. View quote
George Carlin