George Carlin quotes - page 13

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down. (George Carlin)
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. View quote
George Carlin
If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?" View quote
George Carlin
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing. View quote
George Carlin
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian. View quote
George Carlin
I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity. View quote
George Carlin
You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic. View quote
George Carlin
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror. View quote
George Carlin
I tell ya, if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer, I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved -- to teach it, probably, ... Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there ... a good language gene, which I inherited from my mother and grandfather and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her. View quote
George Carlin
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes. View quote
George Carlin
I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then... You finish off as an orgasm. (George Carlin)
You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. View quote
George Carlin
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. View quote
George Carlin
I went from a comedian who wrote his own material to a writer who performed his own material. View quote
George Carlin
My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious! View quote
George Carlin
Twat is twat and that is that. View quote
George Carlin
Thegot its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. View quote
George Carlin
Whenever you hear the phrase zero tolerance, remember, someone is bullshitting you. View quote
George Carlin
People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them. View quote
George Carlin
[On his work appearing on the Internet] It's a conflicted feeling. I'm really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about solving this issue. It's someone else's job. View quote
George Carlin
The Paradox of Our Time is one of many stories that has been forwarded around the internet and attributed to Carlin, but is actually by Bob Moorehead. (George Carlin)
I am a Bad American is another mass-forwarded internet message often attributed to George Carlin, but was not written by him. View quote
George Carlin
If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" View quote
George Carlin
The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born. View quote
George Carlin
During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. View quote
George Carlin