George Carlin quotes

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (George Carlin)
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider.
George Carlin
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
George Carlin
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. (George Carlin)
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
George Carlin
Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.
George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
George Carlin
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
George Carlin
I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better. (George Carlin)
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
George Carlin
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
George Carlin