Jerry Seinfeld quotes - page 4

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me. (Jerry Seinfeld)
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Men want to make women happy. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To us, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I think, if I was an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last than win the silver... if you think about it. Y'know, you win the gold, you feel good; you win the bronze, you think "Well, at least I got something." But you win that silver, that's like: "Congratulations! You... almost won." "Of all the losers, you came in first... of that group." "You're the number one... loser." "No one lost... ahead of you." View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
We're all tryin' to get to the same island. Whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light comes on. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture. (Jerry Seinfeld)
That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.' (Jerry Seinfeld)
We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them." View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Have you ever seen the guy who's got the record for "Fattest Man in the World"? It's an amazing thing: Bob Hughes, 1,400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go! I used to even feel bad, y'know, talkin' about him onstage, 'cause, y'know, somebody-- you could be-- but you could weigh 1,000 pounds and go "He's not talkin' about me." "This is a man with a serious weight problem." View quote
Jerry Seinfeld