Jerry Seinfeld quotes - page 3

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Women have two orgasms, the real ones and the ones they make up on their own. And I can give you the male point of view on this, which is: we're fine with it. You do whatever you have to do, and we'll do whatever we have to.... To a man, sex is like a car accident anyway, and trying to determine a female orgasm is like asking, "What did you see after the car went out of control?" "Well, there were a lot of screeching noises, I was facing the wrong way at one point, and in the end, my body was thrown clear." View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Do you know the first thing I said as a child, before I said "Mama" or "Dada"? I said "Leave me alone!" View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The biggest laugh has to come at the end. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The pitch for the show, the real pitch, when Larry and I went to NBC in 1988, was we want to show how a comedian gets his material. The show about nothing was just a joke in an episode many years later. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I read that speaking in front of a crowd is the number-one fear in America. I found that amazing. Number two was death. Number two! That means that, if you're ever at a funeral, you'd rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I love being a dad. I just love it. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I like definitive things. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. (Jerry Seinfeld)
You can be passionate about anything. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld