Jerry Seinfeld quotes - page 2

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. (Jerry Seinfeld)
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, "Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!" Once you put that helmet on them, "You're in the luge, buddy!" "aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA... aaaAAAAA..." World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Men and women will never understand each other; my advice is to just stop trying. Just forget it. I know I will never understand women. I will never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root...and still be afraid of a spider. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
To me, America used to be a place that made steel, and cars, and had giant department stores. Now, basically, we produce amateur talent and people [who] judge amateur talent. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Comedy is more personal than food. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The comedian studies himself; the actor studies other people. The comedian wants to be himself; the actor wants to be anyone but themselves. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Comedians have such an intense allergy to pretension. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
God has no rhyme or reason to who he gives a sense of humor to. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
A joke is a miracle. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. (Jerry Seinfeld)
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Economy is essential to all good fart. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The best revenge is living well. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a gap. When you stub your toe on the foot of the bed, that was a gap in knowledge. And the pain is a lot of information really quick. That's what pain is. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I don't know why people always assume that the guest is more interesting than the host. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
The real motivation of bein' a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh. And if you love that, you will never want to stop. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
I don't think I felt "at home" on Earth, as a human, until I walked into a comedy club. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. (Jerry Seinfeld)
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. View quote
Jerry Seinfeld
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' View quote
Jerry Seinfeld