Erma Bombeck quotes - page 5

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven. (Erma Bombeck)
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows. View quote
Erma Bombeck
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive. View quote
Erma Bombeck
Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it. View quote
Erma Bombeck
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is. View quote
Erma Bombeck
Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids. View quote
Erma Bombeck
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward. View quote
Erma Bombeck
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again. View quote
Erma Bombeck
If you can laugh at it, you can live with it. View quote
Erma Bombeck
It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners. View quote
Erma Bombeck
Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed. (Erma Bombeck)
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along. . . . View quote
Erma Bombeck
Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother Wasn't there any change. View quote
Erma Bombeck
Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing real men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw. View quote
Erma Bombeck
I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost 16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it. View quote
Erma Bombeck
Mother's words of wisdom Answer me Don't talk with food in your mouth. View quote
Erma Bombeck
No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday. View quote
Erma Bombeck
As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. View quote
Erma Bombeck
If compliments were food, I'd have starved to death 28 years ago. View quote
Erma Bombeck
When you're an orthodox worrier, some days are worse than others. View quote
Erma Bombeck
The bad times I can handle. It's the good times that drive me crazy. When is the other shoe going to drop. (Erma Bombeck)
My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job. View quote
Erma Bombeck
I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious I've cooked bigger turkeys than her before picture. View quote
Erma Bombeck
Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world. View quote
Erma Bombeck
You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates. View quote
Erma Bombeck