Erma Bombeck quotes - page 2

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt. (Erma Bombeck)
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
Erma Bombeck
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Erma Bombeck
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
Erma Bombeck
You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.
Erma Bombeck
I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
Erma Bombeck
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Erma Bombeck
Children make your life important.
Erma Bombeck
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
Erma Bombeck
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. (Erma Bombeck)
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
Erma Bombeck
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Erma Bombeck
Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.
Erma Bombeck
Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
Erma Bombeck
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
Erma Bombeck
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Erma Bombeck
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
Erma Bombeck
Insanity is hereditary. You can catch it from your kids.
Erma Bombeck
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
Erma Bombeck
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. (Erma Bombeck)
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
Erma Bombeck
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Erma Bombeck
I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years."
Erma Bombeck
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Erma Bombeck