Erma Bombeck quotes

In general, my children refused to eat anything that hadn't danced on TV. (Erma Bombeck)
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck
A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.
Erma Bombeck
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
Erma Bombeck
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Erma Bombeck
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
Erma Bombeck
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Erma Bombeck
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
Erma Bombeck
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. (Erma Bombeck)
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck
Housework can kill you if done right.
Erma Bombeck
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Erma Bombeck
All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
Erma Bombeck
Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
Erma Bombeck
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Erma Bombeck
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
Erma Bombeck
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
Erma Bombeck
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go. (Erma Bombeck)
Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
Erma Bombeck
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Erma Bombeck
Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
Erma Bombeck
There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
Erma Bombeck