Dave Barry quotes - page 5

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. (Dave Barry)
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. View quote
Dave Barry
Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro. View quote
Dave Barry
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. View quote
Dave Barry
He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he'd gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife. View quote
Dave Barry
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. View quote
Dave Barry
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. View quote
Dave Barry
But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots) View quote
Dave Barry
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. View quote
Dave Barry
He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things. View quote
Dave Barry
What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers. (Dave Barry)
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money. View quote
Dave Barry
Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals. View quote
Dave Barry
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath. View quote
Dave Barry
Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he'd marooned her. View quote
Dave Barry
He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl. View quote
Dave Barry
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover. View quote
Dave Barry
...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope. View quote
Dave Barry
If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert's Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader. View quote
Dave Barry
Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain. View quote
Dave Barry
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. (Dave Barry)
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. View quote
Dave Barry
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. View quote
Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. View quote
Dave Barry
The Mollusks-generous hosts when they weren't trying to kill you. View quote
Dave Barry