Dave Barry quotes - page 2

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true! (Dave Barry)
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. View quote
Dave Barry
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. View quote
Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland. View quote
Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. View quote
Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter. View quote
Dave Barry
What, exactly, is the internet Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like a duck choking on a kazoo. View quote
Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. View quote
Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' View quote
Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. View quote
Dave Barry
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. (Dave Barry)
U.S. News Organizations observe the anniversary of September 11 with investigations about the nation's continuing vulnerability to terrorism. First, the New York Daily News reports that two of its reporters carried box cutters, razor knives, and pepper spray on fourteen commercial flights without getting caught. Then ABC News reports that it smuggled fifteen pounds of uranium into New York City. Then Fox News reports that it flew Osama bin Laden to Washington, D.C., and videotaped him touring the White House. View quote
Dave Barry
I took an estimated two thousand years of high school French, and when I finally got to France, I discovered that I didn't know one single phrase that was actually useful in a real-life French situation. View quote
Dave Barry
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. View quote
Dave Barry
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. View quote
Dave Barry
As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government. View quote
Dave Barry
A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge. View quote
Dave Barry
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. View quote
Dave Barry
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. View quote
Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. View quote
Dave Barry
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. (Dave Barry)
The word aerobics comes from two Greek words aero, meaning ability to, and bics, meaning withstand tremendous boredom. View quote
Dave Barry
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. View quote
Dave Barry
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. View quote
Dave Barry
What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial". View quote
Dave Barry