Dave Barry quotes

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. (Dave Barry)
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. View quote
Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate. View quote
Dave Barry
The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. View quote
Dave Barry
Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. View quote
Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. View quote
Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. View quote
Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. View quote
Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. View quote
Dave Barry
I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. View quote
Dave Barry
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. (Dave Barry)
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. View quote
Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? View quote
Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. View quote
Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. View quote
Dave Barry
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. View quote
Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. View quote
Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. View quote
Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. View quote
Dave Barry
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. View quote
Dave Barry
Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. (Dave Barry)
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. View quote
Dave Barry
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. View quote
Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth. View quote
Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. View quote
Dave Barry