Henny Youngman quotes - page 3

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started. (Henny Youngman)
Business was so bad the other night the orchestra was playing "Tea for One." View quote
Henny Youngman
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock. View quote
Henny Youngman
While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. View quote
Henny Youngman
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. View quote
Henny Youngman
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. View quote
Henny Youngman
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. View quote
Henny Youngman
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. View quote
Henny Youngman
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.' View quote
Henny Youngman
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. View quote
Henny Youngman
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!" View quote
Henny Youngman
I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in. View quote
Henny Youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. View quote
Henny Youngman
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!" View quote
Henny Youngman
I bet on a horse at ten to one. It didn't come in until half-past five. View quote
Henny Youngman
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! View quote
Henny Youngman
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" View quote
Henny Youngman
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away. View quote
Henny Youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. View quote
Henny Youngman
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away. (Henny Youngman)