Henny Youngman quotes - page 2

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. (Henny Youngman)
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. View quote
Henny Youngman
My first Hollywood picture wasn't released, it escaped. View quote
Henny Youngman
Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer. View quote
Henny Youngman
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!" View quote
Henny Youngman
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. View quote
Henny Youngman
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. View quote
Henny Youngman
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. View quote
Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. View quote
Henny Youngman
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. View quote
Henny Youngman
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. (Henny Youngman)
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. View quote
Henny Youngman
This man dresses like an unmade bed. View quote
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. View quote
Henny Youngman
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. View quote
Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. View quote
Henny Youngman
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. View quote
Henny Youngman
This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! View quote
Henny Youngman
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. View quote
Henny Youngman
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. View quote
Henny Youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. (Henny Youngman)
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? View quote
Henny Youngman
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet. View quote
Henny Youngman
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! View quote
Henny Youngman
She has a wash and wear bridal gown. View quote
Henny Youngman