Henny Youngman quotes

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. View quote
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back. View quote
Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. View quote
Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. View quote
Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. View quote
Henny Youngman
Take my wife... Please! View quote
Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. View quote
Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. View quote
Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. View quote
Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. (Henny Youngman)
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree. View quote
Henny Youngman
My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. View quote
Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. View quote
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. View quote
Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first. View quote
Henny Youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. View quote
Henny Youngman
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. View quote
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. View quote
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. View quote
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. (Henny Youngman)
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. View quote
Henny Youngman
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. View quote
Henny Youngman
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. View quote
Henny Youngman
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. View quote
Henny Youngman