Henny Youngman quotes

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.
Henny Youngman
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman
Take my wife... Please!
Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. (Henny Youngman)
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.
Henny Youngman
My wife told me the car wasn't running well. There was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first.
Henny Youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
Henny Youngman
You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
Henny Youngman
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
Henny Youngman
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. (Henny Youngman)
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
Henny Youngman
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
Henny Youngman
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
Henny Youngman
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
Henny Youngman