Rita Rudner quotes - page 2

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other. (Rita Rudner)
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. View quote
Rita Rudner
I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious. View quote
Rita Rudner
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen. View quote
Rita Rudner
I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'." View quote
Rita Rudner
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. View quote
Rita Rudner
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? View quote
Rita Rudner
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. View quote
Rita Rudner
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. View quote
Rita Rudner
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. View quote
Rita Rudner
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. (Rita Rudner)
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. View quote
Rita Rudner
I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. View quote
Rita Rudner
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? View quote
Rita Rudner
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? View quote
Rita Rudner
[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.) View quote
Rita Rudner
My parents always told me I could do anything, but never told me how long it would take. View quote
Rita Rudner
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. View quote
Rita Rudner
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. View quote
Rita Rudner
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. View quote
Rita Rudner
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. (Rita Rudner)
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? View quote
Rita Rudner
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. View quote
Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. View quote
Rita Rudner
I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics." View quote
Rita Rudner