Steven Wright quotes - page 9

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! (Steven Wright)
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. View quote
Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. View quote
Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. View quote
Steven Wright
Is it weird in here, or is it just me? View quote
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? View quote
Steven Wright
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough. View quote
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter. View quote
Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it. View quote
Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? View quote
Steven Wright
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell. (Steven Wright)
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. View quote
Steven Wright
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. View quote
Steven Wright
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em. View quote
Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out. View quote
Steven Wright
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. View quote
Steven Wright
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. View quote
Steven Wright
About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper-I don't even like lines on the paper-so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." View quote
Steven Wright
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? View quote
Steven Wright
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. View quote
Steven Wright
How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? (Steven Wright)
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? View quote
Steven Wright
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. View quote
Steven Wright
When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment? View quote
Steven Wright
I can levitate birds. No one cares. View quote
Steven Wright