Steven Wright quotes - page 8

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? (Steven Wright)
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? View quote
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure. View quote
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. View quote
Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. View quote
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. View quote
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. View quote
Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough. View quote
Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord. View quote
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. View quote
Steven Wright
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. (Steven Wright)
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. View quote
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. View quote
Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. View quote
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules? View quote
Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar." View quote
Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. View quote
Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. View quote
Steven Wright
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen? View quote
Steven Wright
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. (Steven Wright)
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. View quote
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. View quote
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. View quote
Steven Wright
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. View quote
Steven Wright