Steven Wright quotes - page 7

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. (Steven Wright)
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese. View quote
Steven Wright
Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children. View quote
Steven Wright
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad. View quote
Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band. View quote
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? View quote
Steven Wright
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? View quote
Steven Wright
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman. View quote
Steven Wright
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? View quote
Steven Wright
Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives? View quote
Steven Wright
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? (Steven Wright)
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. View quote
Steven Wright
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. View quote
Steven Wright
Is it possible to be totally partial? View quote
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle? View quote
Steven Wright
I just lost a buttonhole. View quote
Steven Wright
always remember your unique, just like everone else. View quote
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. View quote
Steven Wright
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. View quote
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. View quote
Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. (Steven Wright)
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? View quote
Steven Wright
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. View quote
Steven Wright
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? View quote
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. View quote
Steven Wright