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Steven Wright quotes - page 6
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Steven Wright
A metaphor is like a simile.
Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Steven Wright
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Steven Wright
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
Steven Wright
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
Steven Wright
How can there be self-help groups?
Steven Wright
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
Steven Wright
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Steven Wright
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Steven Wright
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Steven Wright
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Steven Wright
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Steven Wright
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