Steven Wright quotes - page 5

I'm so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity. (Steven Wright)
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time... View quote
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's'? View quote
Steven Wright
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'? View quote
Steven Wright
The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year. View quote
Steven Wright
I'm a peripheral visionary. View quote
Steven Wright
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over... View quote
Steven Wright
Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises...gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. View quote
Steven Wright
[unenthusiastically at the beginning of every show in response to audience applause] "Thanks." View quote
Steven Wright
It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to. View quote
Steven Wright
About five years ago, somebody showed me some web sites that had my material all over them, and I thought that was fascinating. One reason was, I'd never seen my jokes written one right after another like that. I write on drawing paper-I don't even like lines on the paper-so I have notebooks all over the place with handwritten pieces of my act in them. So to see it go by, all typed out neatly, was like, "Wow." And then two or three years ago, someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad. (Steven Wright)
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. View quote
Steven Wright
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong? View quote
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? View quote
Steven Wright
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life. View quote
Steven Wright
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof? View quote
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself. View quote
Steven Wright
Why isn't the word "phonetically” spelled with an "f”? View quote
Steven Wright
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? View quote
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears. View quote
Steven Wright
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had. (Steven Wright)
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. View quote
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. View quote
Steven Wright
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! View quote
Steven Wright
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap? View quote
Steven Wright