Steven Wright quotes - page 4

I had amnesia once or twice. (Steven Wright)
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually. View quote
Steven Wright
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing. View quote
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' View quote
Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. View quote
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. View quote
Steven Wright
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing. View quote
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. View quote
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. View quote
Steven Wright
I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. (Steven Wright)
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. View quote
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic' View quote
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. View quote
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research. View quote
Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using' View quote
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. View quote
Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it. View quote
Steven Wright
Shin a device for finding furniture in the dark. View quote
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. View quote
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious. (Steven Wright)
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. View quote
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. View quote
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. View quote
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. View quote
Steven Wright