Steven Wright quotes - page 4

I had amnesia once or twice. (Steven Wright)
Smoking cures weight problems ... eventually.
Steven Wright
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing.
Steven Wright
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Steven Wright
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
I bought a new camera. It's very advanced. You don't even need it.
Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. (Steven Wright)
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using'
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it.
Steven Wright
Shin a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious. (Steven Wright)
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright