Steven Wright quotes - page 3

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you. (Steven Wright)
I put tape on my mirrors at my house so I won't accidentally walk through them into another dimension. View quote
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. View quote
Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. View quote
Steven Wright
Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. View quote
Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. View quote
Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out' View quote
Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars....' View quote
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. [sighs] It's a start... View quote
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. View quote
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. (Steven Wright)
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? View quote
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you? View quote
Steven Wright
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. View quote
Steven Wright
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote." View quote
Steven Wright
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. View quote
Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice. View quote
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. View quote
Steven Wright
Did you sleep well No, I made a couple of mistakes. View quote
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? View quote
Steven Wright
I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.' (Steven Wright)
Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for. View quote
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. View quote
Steven Wright
I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying. View quote
Steven Wright
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing. View quote
Steven Wright