Steven Wright quotes - page 2

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" (Steven Wright)
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? View quote
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. View quote
Steven Wright
How young can you die of old age? View quote
Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' View quote
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers. View quote
Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. View quote
Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. View quote
Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. View quote
Steven Wright
I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. View quote
Steven Wright
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant. (Steven Wright)
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. View quote
Steven Wright
So what's the speed of dark. View quote
Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time. View quote
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. View quote
Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. View quote
Steven Wright
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. View quote
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. View quote
Steven Wright
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. (Steven Wright)
I was at this restaurant. The sign said Breakfast Anytime. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. View quote
Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening. View quote
Steven Wright
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. View quote
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. View quote
Steven Wright