Steven Wright quotes - page 16

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today. (Steven Wright)
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. 'You didn't borrow this.' 'I will.' View quote
Steven Wright
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.' View quote
Steven Wright
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. View quote
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, 'Oops ... ' View quote
Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections. View quote
Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day.... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.... 'Come here, Stay Come here, Stay' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. View quote
Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons. View quote
Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. View quote
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. View quote
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it. (Steven Wright)
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water. View quote
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out.... Now I can go 300 mph. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out. View quote
Steven Wright
Steven had a great line. They were askin' us "What's it like as a comedian in front of 80,000 people?" And Steven said "If you're swimming in the ocean, it doesn't matter how deep the water is. All you can do is swim." View quote
Steven Wright