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Steven Wright quotes - page 16
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. 'You didn't borrow this.' 'I will.'
Steven Wright
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'
Steven Wright
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity.... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Steven Wright
I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, 'Oops ... '
Steven Wright
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections.
Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day.... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.... 'Come here, Stay Come here, Stay' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons.
Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water.
Steven Wright
I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out.... Now I can go 300 mph.
Steven Wright
I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
Steven had a great line. They were askin' us "What's it like as a comedian in front of 80,000 people?" And Steven said "If you're swimming in the ocean, it doesn't matter how deep the water is. All you can do is swim."
Steven Wright
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