Steven Wright quotes - page 15

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. (Steven Wright)
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.
Steven Wright
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Steven Wright
How come you dont ever hear about gruntled employees And who has been diss-ing them anyhow.
Steven Wright
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that's not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It's a gut feeling.
Steven Wright
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
Steven Wright
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written. (Steven Wright)
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
Steven Wright
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut.
Steven Wright
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G.
Steven Wright
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle.
Steven Wright
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food.
Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went 'Aaaaahhhh...'
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step I'm like that all the time. (Steven Wright)
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think'
Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly, and says, 'Here, you can go'
Steven Wright
What do batteries run on.
Steven Wright