Steven Wright quotes - page 14

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about. (Steven Wright)
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years. View quote
Steven Wright
I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. I eat it from the inside out. View quote
Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.' View quote
Steven Wright
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. View quote
Steven Wright
I saw a sign 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired. View quote
Steven Wright
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. View quote
Steven Wright
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet. View quote
Steven Wright
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?' View quote
Steven Wright
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it. View quote
Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. (Steven Wright)
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.' View quote
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it. View quote
Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. View quote
Steven Wright
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do. View quote
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. View quote
Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. View quote
Steven Wright
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. View quote
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end. View quote
Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes ... View quote
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed. (Steven Wright)
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. View quote
Steven Wright
I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual. View quote
Steven Wright
For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. slow glance upward. View quote
Steven Wright
Referring to a glass of water I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody. View quote
Steven Wright