Steven Wright quotes - page 12

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him. (Steven Wright)
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. View quote
Steven Wright
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. View quote
Steven Wright
I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere. View quote
Steven Wright
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. View quote
Steven Wright
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. View quote
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. View quote
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them. View quote
Steven Wright
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it. View quote
Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. View quote
Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. (Steven Wright)
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.' View quote
Steven Wright
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness. View quote
Steven Wright
I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me. View quote
Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats. View quote
Steven Wright
Today, I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, 'Hello' and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey' They said, 'Uh, I don't think so ... He's only two months old.' I said, 'I'll wait ' View quote
Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. View quote
Steven Wright
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small. View quote
Steven Wright
I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same. View quote
Steven Wright
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. View quote
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. (Steven Wright)
I got an answering machine for my phone.... Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up ... they hear a recording of a busy signal. View quote
Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. View quote
Steven Wright
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. View quote
Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it. View quote
Steven Wright