Steven Wright quotes - page 11

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person. (Steven Wright)
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up. View quote
Steven Wright
The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is. View quote
Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous. View quote
Steven Wright
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him. View quote
Steven Wright
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. View quote
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram. View quote
Steven Wright
I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.' View quote
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. View quote
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom. View quote
Steven Wright
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now. (Steven Wright)
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh. View quote
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot. View quote
Steven Wright
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.' View quote
Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. View quote
Steven Wright
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules. View quote
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. View quote
Steven Wright
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic. View quote
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. View quote
Steven Wright
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. View quote
Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign' I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read' (Steven Wright)
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead. View quote
Steven Wright
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. View quote
Steven Wright
No one is listening until you make a mistake. View quote
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. View quote
Steven Wright